Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Do You Know What Controls You and Kills Your Relationship (S)?


  • Friends told her, repeatedly, that she shouldn't even try to develop a relationship with someone she meets at her work - place.
  • She felt alone and lonely, insecure in initiating anything with anyone, always hoping that "the day will come and someone will ask me out".
  • Yet she found comfort and peace reading books, going to museums (alone!) and paint a little when the muse presented herself.
  • Research shows that many love-affairs happen in the work-place.

Do You Know What Controls You and Kills Your Relationship (S)?

"Falling in live"

... and then one day, unexpectedly, she sat in the cafeteria across from someone she has seen a few times in the corridors, but has never spoken with until now.

"You have beautiful eyes," he said, as if out of the blue.

She blushed, didn't know how to respond.

... and then, somehow, they began a conversation.

... and then, somehow, they began dating.

... and then, somehow, he told her he has just left his wife.

... and then, as

if by passing, he suggested they move in together. Meaning, "is it possible for him to move in with her?"

She blushed, didn't know how to respond, feeling somewhat awkward having him move in with her so quickly - God, she barely knows him! - yet afraid to say "no".

So he moved in with her, and this was the beginning of many times in which she thought she disagreed with some of his requests but didn't dare say "no".

After all, hasn't she dreamt so long about having someone to share her life with? And besides, does it make sense to get into conflicts and arguments rather than just take things as they are?

Living together

... and they lived together in her place like many other couples, getting used to life-routine.

Did she feel lonely within the relationship? Did she enjoy his company? Did she feel she sacrifices herself?
We don't know. Nor do we know if she knew.

For her, finally to be living with someone was a relief. She isn't alone anymore.
Or is she?

Communication wasn't great, but still... 

They didn't communicate much. But this is understandable, she told herself, "men don't talk", she repeated in her mind over and over again.

And she didn't talk much either. After all, why talk with someone who doesn't talk? Could it be, she asked herself, could it be that if he doesn't talk it means he prefers it that way, so why should she rock the boat?

So they lived in silence, but together. Well, it wasn't that they didn't talk at all, but they never talked about those things which were part of her life until she met him: art, and books, and museums, and concerts.

"You can't have it all", she told herself, somewhat disappointed, yet glad she is no longer alone, "some things you need to give up", she comforted herself.

Did things change between them when his mother became sick?

... and then his mother became sick. Or so he said, and flew in to be with her, taking a few days off work.

"Why couldn't he ever take a few days off work to travel with me?" she wondered, but didn't dare ask him.

Maybe she will ask later, when he is back. Now is not the time.

... and he was back and she didn't ask. And he didn't say a thing.

... and they continued living together, just as always. Not communicating much. In silence. But somehow together, whatever that means.

... and then he said he has to fly see his mother once again, not even promising that once back in town they will plan a trip together somewhere.

Was this the straw which broke her silence? Did she burst out with her accumulating anger, despair and helplessness? Did she tell him, once and for all, what she thought about him and about their relationship?

Regardless of the above "story" we don't know much about her

We don't know. We can't get into her head.

We can assume that she was afraid to bring up the issues with him; express whatever frustrations she felt; complaining about him not communicating with her, complaining about him never taking her on a trip somewhere. And confronting him, for the first time ever, about his ex-wife: was it he who left or what it his ex who left him?

Was there any reason, besides her fear of abandonment, for not bringing up these issues with him?
Again, we just don't know.

But we can guess.

But before we do, we can switch our attention to him, for a minute (maybe this will help us better guess about her later on):


Could it be that he felt more responsible for his mother than for the relationship he had with his-girlfriend (did he still consider her to be his loved-one?).

Could it be that he has been driven by guilt feelings about not being the "good son" and wanted to compensate for it now, by flying in often to see his sick mother?

Could it also be that he was basically a good man and a good son who adored and loved his mother and would have done whatever she would have asked of him, even at the expense of his relationship?

Could it be that he, just like his girlfriend, has difficulties saying "no" and just couldn't say "no" to his mother who, being a widow for many years, told him she "doesn't have nobody in the world anymore and he must take care of her, especially now that she is sick"?

... or could it be that he wanted to ensure that his mother will include him in her will in addition to her other two daughters, therefore felt he had to "make repeated appearances" in her house now that she was sick?

We don't know.

We don't know much about him either

We might assume that his behavior - flying in to see his mother time and again - has been driven by a combination of all of the above, or, for that matter, by yet another reason we are unaware of:

Could it be that he just didn't love his girlfriend anymore but as a person who was afraid of confrontations just didn't know how to end their relationship and thought that by flying in to see his mother and not take his girlfriend on a trip/vacation she will eventually be the one to end their relationship?

Could it be that he was a manipulator and "used" his mother's sickness to sabotage the relationship?

Could it be that he wasn't that smart, nor so manipulative, just a person who is no good at decision-making and problem-solving, a person - one among many - who does things as they come his way without even taking the time to consider their consequences?

... and could it be that by not communicating with his girlfriend he avoided listening to her feelings about his behavior and their relationship; hence preventing himself from being confronted by her?

... and could it also be - and this might be a devious thought, but possible nonetheless - that not having another place to currently stay in he didn't, by all means, want to rock the boat?

We don't know. We can't get into his head.

We might have wished we knew; it would have been so interesting to be able to get into his mind, as well as into hers; to understand what made them stay together; what actually did they gain by living together.

But we don't have this privilege.

The best we can do is guess

In any case we can guess. We can assume that for him living with her was very comfortable, and being busy with work as well as with his sick mother he just didn't have much energy for "a relationship", so why end it?

And we can assume that for her it was the sense of not being alone; not being abandoned; not having to confront the fear of rejection - all those basic feelings which might have controlled her from an early age. All those basic feelings which she preferred to depress even at the expense of having a "relationship" which made her stop enjoying the cultural and intellectual life she has been accustomed to all the years (after all, "you should accommodate yourself for your partner, don't you"? After all, "isn't a relationship and not being alone more important than everything else"?)

As much as we can assume what went through his head, and as much as we can guess what drove her to think the way she did, these are only assumptions and guesses.

We will never know for sure.

And maybe even they will never know for sure what made them behave the way they did, what made them stick together as long as they did.

Are there more men like him?
Are there more women like her?
Are there more relationships like theirs?

Is there anything we can do - for our relationships?

And as for us, the only thing we can do to ensure that our relationships will be different, successful and satisfying, is make sure we are aware of our own behaviors; our own needs and fears; our own "little tricks" by which we might sabotage our relationships.

When we are aware we are able to develop and maintain a healthy, successful intimacy, based on mutual respect, open communication and true love.

Article Source:,_Ph.D./742948

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