Why Am I Still Single

Why am I still single? In my profession, I come across this query frequently. In New York City, where I practice as a clinical psychologist, I have a lot of accomplished clients who, while being excellent at getting things done professionally, have erratic or nonexistent dating life.

Reasons Why You're Still Single


If you're like any of my clients, you might occasionally feel irritated because you think you've taken all the necessary steps to locate the ideal partner but can't figure out why it isn't working. Check whether one of these top issues is what's preventing you from dating while you're otherwise self-assured and successful to determine if that's what's getting in the way for you.


1. If you're willing to dating someone unusual, it usually signifies that their favorite hue is different from yours.



Okay, I'm being a little sarcastic, but I do see a lot of clients who rule out potential matches over things that are actually really minor in the context of a lifelong partnership – whether because of a height that's less than ideal, political views that don't exactly align, or even a familiarity with the hottest nightclubs. Keep in mind that managing the areas where you disagree is actually crucial in a partnership. Make a list of the three to four attributes you absolutely must have on a date (for example, "kind-hearted, desires marriage/kids, successful, and physically fit"), and then attempt to put the other qualities on the back burner so that chemistry may emerge.

2. You seem judgmental without even realizing it.


Some of my clients have a mannerism that makes them appear and sound judgmental: They squint their eyes and speak in a dismissive tone, or they don't make much eye contact, smile, or show much enthusiasm or interest in the world around them. The odd thing about these folks is that they appear genuinely astonished when questioned if something is wrong. They are not depressed; this is simply how they typically show themselves.

Why do they act this way? There are several factors that might lead someone to express themselves in a way that other people see as distant. Perhaps they project a dismissive demeanor because they are insecure and worried about being rejected, for example.

All of this doesn't stop me since I'm meeting them as a psychologist rather than a possible friend or partner. Even if they give me curt responses or puzzled "umm's," I keep trying to engage them and get information out of them. Usually, this is all it takes; after five to ten minutes of my being really kind and consoling, they open up and end up being really wonderful individuals. However, I'm not shocked when they lament that they are having trouble finding a compatible companion and that their love life has stagnated.

On dates, it's crucial to let your date see you in your best light. I'm not saying that individuals should be dishonest and claim to be the Happiest Person Ever. Make sure you come with your hair in a style, wearing some makeup, and wearing clean, nice attire. When you arrive, smile and compliment the environment or the weather. Remember: First dates aren't the time to discuss your nasty employer, growing credit card debt, or your sane roommate. Don't insult yourself or your date, even in joke. Another tip for helping a date view you in the best possible light: Examine a newspaper before the date so you may discuss current happenings like art exhibits, local news, or anything else that catches your attention. This paves the path for you to confidently and relatably introduce yourself while also igniting the fire of discussion between you and your date.

Humans possess mirror neurons, and regardless of the emotion you're expressing, your date will appear to be experiencing it thanks to his mirror neurons. Therefore, if you're thinking negatively, your date's mirror neurons could experience a similar reaction, which could manifest as a closed or distant facial expression. Your mirror neurons then reflect back to you a bad opinion of him as a result. The good news is that the mirror neuron circle will function well for both of you if you keep your attention on the positive. And if you purposefully portray an open, upbeat attitude, you will really be doing yourself a favor by giving the date a chance to flourish.

3. You manage your love life like a business meeting.


Numerous of my female clients are highly accomplished professionals who are used to receiving what they want in their careers. In terms of their personal life, they frequently desire a man who will pursue them and who is at least as successful as they are. However, these women occasionally find it challenging to allow the male take the initiative as they intend for him to. To be clear, I'm not suggesting these women that they should let a man pursue them; rather, they are expressing their frustration with males who don't show interest in them.

What then is the issue? Although they are open to the concept of being pursued by a guy, they become quite upset if this doesn't happen on their schedule and in the way they desire. They "speak" to males who they feel aren't "doing enough" in the same way that they would talk to a worker who wasn't working hard enough.

However, you cannot impose a pursuit. You can't whine to a man that he isn't after you. If you do, he will only be chasing because you instructed him to, in which case he will be acting in almost the opposite way from what pursuit entails: obeying your instructions.

I don't judge; I'm just here to assist customers in getting (nearly) everything they want, so if you want to make the decisions, that's great with me. But you can't tell him how to lead if you want him to. However, this does not imply that you must wait about. Date other people who will if he isn't chasing you in the way you desire! But don't encourage him to pursue you if you don't want to be caught off guard when you both sense the unpleasant tension that will undoubtedly develop.

A guy should not be shown how to lead by being told to chase you. You are actually leading by doing this and denying yourself of what you really want.

4. You place excessive trust in a man who hasn't even asked you to date him.


Because they overinvested themselves in the relationship before the guy had earned the investment, many women find it difficult to simply distance themselves from a man who isn't pursuing them. Simply since their "favorite" is demanding several dates, they have stopped dating other individuals.

They fail to realize that while going on five or six incredibly enjoyable dates where you push yourself physically each time is totally alluring to men, it says nothing about the man's interest in or capacity for commitment. If the man has been making statements like, "I see myself getting married and settling down someday in the next few years," it might become even more perplexing. Sometimes the ladies take this to mean that they are discussing his interests and aspirations with regard to them directly.

Whether you like it or not, when women start having wonderful sex (oxytocin - we've all heard about it! ), they have a biological inclination to become commitment-oriented earlier than males. Therefore, if you're enjoying yourself during a sexual encounter and the man brings up the future, perhaps even inviting you to a friend's wedding or to meet them when they come to see him next month, your heart may suddenly start to race.

My recommendation is to go slowly if you meet someone great. Don't stop seeing other people unless he asks, and if he doesn't, consider it a sign of his interest in you, a sign of his desire for commitment, or a sign of his drive to seek and get what he wants. If a guy wants to have a serious relationship with someone who pursues him, he must exhibit ALL of the aforementioned qualities. If you want a man to pursue you, as 99 percent of my female dating clients directly tell me they do, then these recommendations can be helpful for you.

5. You still harbor feelings for your ex.


Are you frequently "just friends" with somebody you've just broken up with? If so, the messages, calls, and gatherings can be preventing you from really committing to single life and making progress. It's time to get past the past if this describes you. Instead of letting someone with whom a relationship hasn't worked take up all your mental space, why not let go and move your mind toward the possibility of a new connection that will perhaps be even better that the last?

6. You're afraid.


Fear is a cunning emotion that may be ruining your romantic prospects without your knowledge. Dating involves openness, and it might be intimidating to put yourself out there without knowing exactly what you'll get in return. If your previous relationships didn't end happily, you could be viewing future dates or new relationships through a frightening lens - whether the worry is of being turned down or of falling in love with the wrong person once more.

These kinds of worries are typical, but if they aren't addressed, they may eventually become an excuse to actively or passively avoid dating. Fear may be keeping you from taking a risk on someone if you've found yourself questioning if it's really worth it to try because it probably won't work out.

Give yourself a chance to try something new if you realize in your heart that the fear is really more about how tough it is for you to be open and vulnerable. It's likely that your fear of intimacy is accompanied with a dread of being alone. Your concern is really functioning as a good reminder to you that you need to obtain support in making healthy dating decisions if you are aware that you have a habit of selecting people who are unreliable, inaccessible, or otherwise cruel. Support may take many different forms, including counseling, excellent friends, family, and self-help literature. Talk to a mental health practitioner about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is one of the best therapies for reducing anxiety and fear. This Valentine's Day and beyond, you owe it to yourself to give love a chance.
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