Why You Don't Feel Chemistry With Nice Guys?

Have you ever been frustrated by the fact that you tend to fall hopelessly "in love" with unavailable men while remaining hopelessly resistant to the overtures of wonderful individuals who are actually available and eager for a meaningful relationship?

Why you don't Feel Chemistry With Nice Guys

Would you wish to break this cycle so you can finally start having a fantastic relationship and stop wasting time with men who mess with your emotions like a game of hot-and-cold? Continue reading to learn how the science of psychology can help you!

In a classic study of social psychology, Dutton and Aron conducted an intriguing study in which a female experimenter stood at the end of two different bridges and asked random men who crossed the bridge to tell a short story as part of a psychology experiment.

The first bridge was a safe, sturdy bridge ten feet over a calm rivulet; we'll call that one the "safe bridge" for our purposes here. The second bridge was a rickety, scary bridge that traversed a 230-foot drop to rocks and rapids-we'll keep it simple and call that one the "scary bridge" here. What the researchers found was that the men who crossed the scary bridge were more likely to use sexual or romantic imagery in their stories. 

These men who crossed the scary bridge were also more likely to rate the female experimenter as attractive, even though it was actually the same woman at the end of both bridges.
Why did the men crossing the scary bridge tell more sexual or romantic stories and rate the female experimenter as more attractive than the men who crossed the safe bridge? Results suggest that these men misattributed their arousal symptoms (such as increased heart rate or sweaty palms) that arose from crossing a highly stimulating, albeit somewhat scary, bridge to romantic or sexual attraction for the woman.
This study may explain a phenomenon I've seen in my practice. Many of my female clients complain that they don't feel chemistry with nice guys, yet find themselves drawn to men who are unpredictable and keep them guessing (I also occasionally see this in my male clients). If you experience this in your own dating life, you will want to learn how to see good guys as more exciting and the not-so-good guys as less so. Keep reading for tips on how to do this!

Make a list of everything

Make a list of scary bridge behaviors as your first step. Scary bridge behaviors are those that are undesired in a courting partner and, as a result, might cause you a lot of concern or anger. Unfortunately, this anxiety or irritation is sometimes misinterpreted as an attraction to the individual who is causing the anxiety or irritation. As a result, it's critical to identify these habits so you can spot them when they occur. The following items could be on your list:
  • Arriving late for a date (even if for a good reason- any type of lateness can increase anticipation, which increases physiological arousal)
  • Last-minute cancellation of a date (again, even if for a legitimate reason—the purpose isn't to judge his motivations, but to note how the action affects your physiological arousal)
  • Suggestion of a date but failure to make explicit preparations with you or keeping you in the dark about the specific time/location of the date
  • He's telling you that he's not sure he's ready for a relationship.

It's crucial not to get caught up in judging whether his reasons for the above behaviors are "good" or not. It makes no difference to your body—if there are any abrupt changes or times of uncertainty, your physiological arousal can rise. We all have last-minute emergencies, but if you're dating someone who seems to have an endless list of problems (a sick mother, an emergency meeting, a history of being hurt, the list goes on... and on... and on...), consider that his unavailability may be creating drama that, ironically, makes him more tantalizing.

You'll want to construct a list of Safe Bridge behaviors in addition to your Scary Bridge habits. These are some of the things you might do:

  • Bringing flowers to a first date is a great way to make a good impression.
  • Offering to drive you home or pick you up
  • On-time arrival for dates
  • Ending a date with the intention of seeing you again
  • He's making it apparent that he's head over heels in love with you (nice but cheesy text messages, nervous laughter, sweaty palms, finding himself tongue-tied in an awkward silence, nervous about first kiss, etc)

Reading this, you may be thinking that you do like it when a guy does some of the Safe Bridge things above, yet you still find yourself attracted to unavailable men. But consider the context of those behaviors.

If you find yourself attracted to men who do Safe Bridge behaviors inconsistently, these behaviors may excite you mainly due to their rarity. Intermittent reinforcement is actually the most excitement provoking- this is why casinos set slot machines to give rewards in a randomly ordered manner where the user never knows what to expect, and keeps chasing the rewards.

Don't let intermittent reinforcement create a misleading sense of excitement that keeps you trapped in a holding pattern with a Mr Wrong who plays hot-and-cold with your emotions or your schedule.

Behaviors should be re-slotted 

After you've made a list of Scary Bridge and Safe Bridge behaviors, you'll want to adjust how you think about them. While you may find Scary Bridge behaviors fascinating or evidence that a man is "hard to get," "simply so busy and successful," or "very cool and not hurrying things," you should re-slot these behaviors as flaky, non-assertive, and unattractive. The idea is to get to the point where you can roll your eyes instead of being enticed by these actions.

Safe Bridge Behaviors should also be re-slotted. Here are some suggestions for making good people more exciting:

  • Consider how exciting getting engaged or planning a wedding would be. How does the cheap thrill of being in a deep relationship that leads to marriage compare to the thrill of being in a deep relationship that leads to marriage?
  • Go to a horror movie with your date and do something a little scary. It would be a good thing if you mistook your fear for interest for your date in this situation!
  • Come up with a sexual fantasy to imagine while on a date with Mr Nice Guy. If you need help coming up with ideas, you might try searching online for erotica or porn till you find something that really excites you- it should feel naughty, forbidden, or whatever it takes to get your heart racing. When you go on a date with a nice guy who might feel so safe that he's a little boring, call the fantasy material mind while you focus your gaze on your date. This will help arouse your body and make you more open to advances from Mr Nice Guy. 

If you can effectively re-slot Safe and Scary Bridge behaviors, you may be able to reduce your dating frustrations significantly.
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